You Were Born to Stand Out

“Mom, can I write all over the wall in my bedroom?”

My daughter, Lauren, came up with this idea of writing inspirational quotes and pieces from her favorite songs all over her bedroom wall. After a short discussion, I told her to go for it. I forgot to consult the hubby on this one. He was a little taken back when he first stepped in her room and found her writing on the wall, (Do you know how hard it is to paint over permanent marker!!) but after reading some of the inspirations, he agreed it was a good thing.

Lauren didn’t do the project by herself, she invited others to share their bits of inspiration too. So of course, my favorite quote went up on the wall. The kids know it well, I’ve been preaching it to them for several years now:

“Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out.”

— From the movie, “What a Girl Wants.”

From the time that I first lost my hearing in elementary school, I tried hard to fit in, blend in, and fly under the radar. I became the Queen of Bluffing– learning how to laugh at the right moment and nod along in conversation– without understanding a thing. I developed elaborate strategies to get through the school day. “I was spacing out, what’s the homework?” I’d ask the student next to me. In English class, the teacher had us read paragraphs from a book– I’d count the number of students ahead of me, watch each of them like hawk to see where they finished each paragraph and then when it was my turn, I knew where to start reading. If there was a discussion, I made sure to chime in with my opinion first, because I couldn’t follow the conversation and I didn’t want to say something that was already said.

That’s why I always say that going deaf was a blessing. That was the process of learning to accept myself and embrace myself. That’s when I stopped trying so hard to fit in, and began to celebrate standing out. God gives each one of us unique gifts and a journey that is like no other, so why would we want to live someone else’s life?

When my own kids started sporting hearing aids, we picked some “stand out” colors so that there was no mistaking the ornaments perched in their ears. Lauren and I picked out matching earmolds one year– pink glitter for her and blue glitter for me. And to my surprise, even after all my efforts of getting my kids comfortable with being deaf and hard of hearing, they still went through their own journey of wanting to fit in, blend in and fly under the radar. The wild colors were replaced with plain, clear earmolds. Hair grew over their ears. I had to learn to back off as a mom and let them experience that. Soon enough, they became comfortable again in standing out.

Our kids were born with a different ability, as Lee Woodruff says in her book, Perfectly Imperfect.

And we should celebrate that difference. But you’ve got to get into a place where you’re really comfortable being deaf/hard of hearing before you can celebrate that difference. And therein lies the challenge– getting folks comfortable in their own skin. I think back to my elementary and teen years– I spent way too much time trying to be a poor imitation of a person who could hear instead of the best “me” I could be. At a recent closing plenary, I shared my journey and the “You were born to stand out,” quote.

One parent came up to me afterwards. “I’ve been telling my kid how ‘normal’ he is and that he’s just like everyone else. He’s miserable being ‘different’ and wants desperately to fit in with others. I’m going home today with your message– and I’m going to celebrate him instead!”

Bookmark me!

More »

Tags: Inspirational Stuff, Raising Deaf/HH Kids by DeafMom
13 Comments »

Hands & Voices in Maine

As I type this, I’m sitting in front of a window overlooking the bay in Portland, Maine. This is my first visit to this northeastern state. I know several people who are attending the Hands & Voices conference, and I’m about to meet many more who will become familiar faces in the next few years. That has been my experience with Hands & Voices over the years: the wonderful opportunity to meet diverse parents, professionals, D/deaf/hard of hearing folks from all walks of life, all corners of the world.

How did this journey unfold? Many years ago, when my three deaf and hard of hearing kids were much younger, I sat down to develop a website for Illinois that would put together resources for parents with deaf and hard of hearing children. My passion was to connect with other families and share the experience of raising our kids together. Along the way, I discovered Hands & Voices, an organization whose philosophy mirrored my own: “What works for your child is what makes the choice right.” I met Leeanne Seaver, (Executive Director) and Janet Des Georges (Executive Director, Colorado Hands & Voices) and I liked them immediately, despite the fact that they were beautiful and fashionably hip. I ~~was sucked in~~ became a board member and started up the Illinois chapter.

When I first joined Hands & Voices, we were still relatively unknown– and definitely grassroots, but we all had a vision of connecting and helping families. It’s amazing to see how much the organization has grown. Today, we have 26 approved chapters, 11 provisional chapters and 6 start-up chapters. Our international chapters include British Columbia and Kenya, with provisional and start-ups in the Philippines, Guam/Saipain, Australia, Italy and Nigeria.

At the end of the board meeting, I paused for a moment and reflected on the changes over the years. We started back then with just a handful of chapters, and now we’re connected to families all over the world. The family in Italy wants the same thing as the family in Arkansas: a well-adjusted, successful kid. And the journey is so much easier when we’re connected to one another, sharing resources and support.

Years ago, at the very first Hands & Voices conference, we all fit around a single table. At the opening night in Maine, we filled the entire dining room at Southern Maine Community College. One by one, as we went around the room, we introduced our new best friend sitting next to us. I had the honor of getting to know and introduce Ann Porter, a parent and CEO of Aussie Deaf Kids.

What I love most about Hands & Voices is that over the years, I’ve had the opportunity to meet such a diverse group of parents, professionals and deaf/hard of hearing adults from all over. I always marvel at the stories they share, the paths they’ve taken on the journey and the wisdom that they share which helps guide me as I raise my own kids. And every time I cross paths with someone, I’m reminded of a quote by Tim McGraw:

“We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.”

For more pictures featuring the Maine Leadership Conference, visit the Hands & Voices Facebook page. Follow us on Twitter: @HandsandVoices.

Bookmark me!

More »

Tags: Raising Deaf/HH Kids by DeafMom
No Comments »

He’s Legally an Adult, But He’s Still My Baby

David, my oldest kiddo, is celebrating his 18th birthday today. He’s also graduating from high school on Friday. Needless to say, I’m a muddled mess this week. We have a tradition in our house where we put up a birthday sign on the front door– it’s the first thing the kids see when they come down the stairs on their birthday.

The hubby put up this sign:

I guess it’s a male thing to achieve adulthood, but for a mom, it’s just a reminder of how-too-quickly motherhood comes to pass. David has been looking forward to this monumental birthday, rejoicing in the “adult” status. As for me, I’m trying to juggle the flip flop of emotions that are swirling inside of me. I wrote about it in the Chicago Tribune TribLocal, which was printed in last week’s newspaper:

From Birth to Graduation, Just Like That

Do you remember those Tom and Jerry cartoons when you were little– the scenes where Tom would chase Jerry and leaving him spinning in a circle–not knowing what hit him? Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel today. The years went by so fast– that I’m still dizzy from the whirlwind.

Happy Birthday, Dave! I love you! You may be legally an adult today, but you’re still my baby. May your day be an amazing one!

Bookmark me!

More »

Tags: Raising Deaf/HH Kids by DeafMom
3 Comments »

The Last IEP Meeting

It hit me like a ton of bricks this week when the school counselor remarked, “This is the last IEP meeting for David.” I looked at my son sitting next to me. How did the time fly by so fast? He was a little toddler when Joe and I sat in on his first IEP meeting. David had just turned three and was diagnosed with a profound hearing loss just a short time before that. I had attended many other IEP meetings as an advocate for other families, but it was a whole new ballgame to sit in the IEP meeting as a parent.

One of the hardest things for me to do was to put him on the bus for a 45-minute ride to school. It was hard to trust someone else to drive my child, hard to trust someone else to care for him and protect him. I didn’t like the bus driver, a young man who seemed distracted. My gut feeling kept telling me that something was wrong. A few days later, I went to get David off the bus and spied a half-smoked cigarette on the floor. That was the last time that bus driver picked up my kid and I requested an aide on the bus after that.

David attended a school with a deaf program for three years. In kindergarten, the supervisor came up to me and told me that they felt the best placement for David would be in his home school district. I struggled with that view, because I grew up solo in the mainstream– I was the only kid with hearing loss all the way up until I met Shawn Haines in high school. Then it was solo and a friend. I didn’t want that for my kid. I wanted to make sure he grew up with deaf and hard of hearing peers. So at first, I balked at the suggestion. Joe and I had days and days of discussion, wrestling with the decision. Should we fight to keep him in the deaf program or should we try the mainstream option?

Finally, we came to the conclusion that we would give the mainstream option a try, with the intention of putting him back in the deaf program if it didn’t work out. From day one, I was determined to make sure he had a different experience than what I went through growing up. Our subdivision had built a brand new elementary school right across the street from our house and it was just about to open up. I went in and introduced myself to the principal, Randy Vanwaning. That turned out to be one of the best moves, because Mrs. Vanwaning stayed on our side throughout the whole elementary school experience.

There’s a saying that I learned at a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) conference years ago: “Bloom where you are planted.” Once we decided that we were going to mainstream the kids, we kept that philosophy with us. We made the best out of it. I volunteered at the school and in the school library so that I could get to know the staff and the teachers. I went into class and read books to the students using sign and voice. I became involved with local playgroups and neighbors. The school hired an interpreter whose parents are deaf. Mrs. Mac is still interpreting today for Steven. Mrs. Mac started an ASL club at the school. The music teacher embraced sign in every single concert that the school put on and Mrs. Mac volunteered her time to teach the students one song per concert. Many of the students signed the school song at assemblies.

There were many experiences along the way that were challenging and it wasn’t always easy. I teamed up with Janet Des Georges to write The Myth of the Perfect IEP as a result of those challenges. I often reminded myself that it would have been the same in any environment– it’s the nature of the journey and of life. There were times when we questioned our decisions and explored options and considered changes. One of the most difficult IEP meetings we ever had was David’s transition to high school. A staff member felt strongly that we should keep him in the home district. We felt differently– we wanted David at Hinsdale South, where he would have deaf and hard of hearing peers as well as a mainstreamed education. We couldn’t come to an agreement at that meeting. That was a meeting where tears were shed– I’ve had a few of them over the years with the three kids for different reasons. We worked out that agreement and it paved the way for a smooth transition for Lauren as well.

At David’s last IEP meeting, I sat and thought about all of this as I watched him talk about his experience at the “Explore Your Future” camp to the VR counselor and the district representative. I sat in awe as I watched him share his views of what he wanted for his future– this little boy of mine has turned into a young man– when did that happen? I thought back to preschool, and how he cried during the Christmas show that the teachers put on. The teachers tried to encourage him to say his lines, but all he did was sit in his chair and cry while the other kids took turns saying and signing their lines. I look back at that time and laugh, because I have a son who can get up on stage and put on a show now. Go figure.

For a long time, I was the parent teaching the child–guiding David through life and sharing what I wanted him to know. Lately, I’ve been aware of how much the roles have shifted, I’m learning things from my son. When we head to the gym together, he teaches me things about muscle development and he becomes my coach as he runs me through drills. “Come on Mom, you have to do one more set”– which sounds a lot like the stuff I tell him at home: “Clean the bathroom and sweep the living room.” Just yesterday, he made a stir-fry dinner while I was glued to the computer and I was surprised at how delicious it was. There he was, sharing his newly-made recipe with me and teaching me how to make a better stir-fry.

I mentor families who are just starting out on the journey of raising deaf and hard of hearing kids and the beginning of the journey always seems so overwhelming, so impossible, so challenging. “Hang on to every bit of time that you have with your child,” I tell them.

Because before you know it, in the blink of an eye, all of a sudden, the last IEP meeting arrives and you wonder how it went by so fast.

Bookmark me!

More »

Tags: Advocacy efforts, CSDVRS, Raising Deaf/HH Kids by DeafMom
13 Comments »

Life is Too Short to Pout All the Time

Many years ago, I began writing for a website that produced product reviews and I had to come up with a personal tagline or quote to reflect something about me. Mine was simply: “Life is too short to pout all the time.” That line came to me years ago, when my kids were four- and two-years old, and my youngest had just been born.

As you can imagine, life back then with a four-year old, two-year old and a crying baby included days where the kids would pout and whine. After juggling everyone’s needs, keeping track of who was fed and who needed to be fed, refereeing two fighting toddlers, all this on top of attempting to keep the house in some semblance of order–by the end of the day, I was pouting myself. As soon as the hubby arrived home from work, I whined and unloaded on him. Then one day, after a particularly trying day with the three kids, I said to them, “Come on, guys, life is too short to pout all the time.” We took off for the kitchen and made brownies together. Soon we were all happily chomping away on warm brownies.

I learned a valuable lesson from those younger days with my kids: life is meant to be enjoyed with your family and your friends. The toys on the floor could wait to be picked up, after all, we were busy playing and learning. So what if the house was in shambles– it was more important to connect with my neighbors over a pizza while the kids played together.

There was another lesson to come. One day out of the blue, (that’s usually how it happens, doesn’t it?) my husband learned that his close friend, Tod, was dying. Diagnosed with cancer at Christmastime, he only had a few months to live. We talked about taking a dream trip somewhere together with our families, but Tod was too sick to travel. So we called up a bunch of his friends, piled them all in a van and drove down to see Tod.

We spent a magical weekend together filled with laughter as well as tears. “Remember this? Remember that?” We asked each other, as we relived memories and fun times together.

That night, the snow fell, covering the trees in a glistening white. We had a quiet moment gazing out into the backyard and seeing the moonlight bounce off the snow. Tod’s wife came up to us and simply said, “Thank you for this weekend.” We knew what she meant, because we were all feeling it: happy, sad, connected, and at peace. Just weeks later, Tod passed away. He gave us a gift: a gift of appreciating life, of appreciating family and friends, and the gift of appreciating love.

After Tod died, I reflected on what I wanted to do with my life. How did I want to be remembered when it was my own time to go? I had three deaf and hard of hearing kids that I was raising—what could I do with my knowledge, my skills and my journey? I took on projects, volunteer work and paid work that brought meaning to my life. I have to say that Tod’s death raised a lot of questions inside of me and drove me to appreciate life more. Just weeks after he passed away we made some changes in our lives and did some things that we had been putting off. We quit decorating the house and bought the used boat that we had been talking about for years. We took cheap vacations with other friends. We spent more time up in Michigan visiting my parents and the in-laws.

Of course, I still have some days when things go wrong and I’m about to tear my hair out. I had a day like that not too long ago, grumbling and venting to anyone who would listen. My daughter took one look at me and said…

“Mom, life is too short to pout about this.”

Originally published on Chicago Mom’s Blog, April 2009

Bookmark me!

More »

Tags: Inspirational Stuff, Raising Deaf/HH Kids by DeafMom
4 Comments »

Officially a Mom of Three Teenagers

Today’s a big day. This is the day that Steven turns thirteen.

It’s official. I’m a mom of three teenagers.

How did the time go by so fast? I can remember his birth as if it was just yesterday…

When I was pregnant with Steven, I had the brilliant idea of ripping out our bathtub and putting in a large soaking tub so that I could labor comfortably in it. Joe went along with it. It was only a few hundred dollars for the tub and we figured we could do most of the work ourselves. Never mind that it involved removing half of our double sink and putting a toilet in that space. Such a simple job, we thought.

The work was moving along slowly. Joe framed the bathtub and we hired a plumber to do all the pipe work. A friend helped tear down the tile and we hired someone else to tile up the side of the tub and walls just days before the birth. When the midwife and naturopath arrived, Joe was working on the floor.

I was a bundle of nerves and I couldn’t quite get settled that week. I had no doubts about doing a homebirth, but there was an unease inside of me, a lot of it had to do with concerns that I didn’t recognize until much later after the birth. Someone had advised me to pray to St. Therese for this birth and I learned that this saint answers prayers with “a shower of roses.” As we got ready to take a walk that evening, the midwife casually mentioned that she received a beautiful bouquet of red roses from a mom who had homebirthed with her.

I knew that was my sign. From that point on, I was enveloped with an amazing, calm feeling. I simply focused on each breath and dove into the hypno-birthing from that point on. During the pushing, I was using Christie Lake as a focal point in my mind. At one point, the naturopath was applying fundal pressure and I saw a sparkle of blue lights. It was as if I was floating on the lake on a beautiful summer day and the lake was twinkling in the sun. I recently learned that it’s a sign of Mother Mary being present. There definitely was some divine intervention for Steven’s birth, because I was given Cytotec at the beginning–which can cause ruptures and is very unsafe for VBACs. I did not know this at that time. I later wrote an article about the dangers of Cytotec which was published in Midwifery Today and DON’T CUT ME AGAIN! True Stories About Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC).

The day that Steven entered this world was an amazing one and I do have lots of good memories of his birth. Despite the medical aspect, the midwife and naturopath tended to me well. They sang, they cooked, they did laundry, they soothed and they supported me. If I could do it all over again, without a doubt, I would have homebirthed all three kids. I was fortunate to attend several births since then, including a home waterbirth and a winter solstice birth.

So here I am, thirteen years later with a house full of teenagers. You know all those horror stories that everyone has about teens? Hogwash. The teen years are the best years.

“Mom? Can I go to Buffalo Wild Wings with my friends? I need some money.”

“Sure, honey. I’ll give you fifteen bucks. But first, mop the kitchen floor, clean the upstairs bathroom and do a load of laundry. Then you can go.”

Happy Birthday, Steven Michael!

Bookmark me!

More »

Tags: Raising Deaf/HH Kids by DeafMom
5 Comments »

Happy Birthday, Dave!

Eighteen years ago in August, my life changed. I know you’re mentally calculating and saying, “Wait a minute, David just turned seventeen today, what’s this about eighteen years ago?” I know my friend Sue is reading this with a smile, because she got pregnant on the same night that I did and we always laugh at the memory. Ok, so technically it was nine months before today, but you get the idea.

David and Sue’s son, Alex, were born exactly a week apart, down to the exact minute of their birth. Alex arrived first, and I went nuts for an entire week waiting for David to make his arrival into the world. David was born by cesarean, thanks to a doctor who I suspect was simply impatient to get back to his rounds. I ended up with an allergic reaction to the epidural and broke out in hives, which the doctor blamed on the hospital sheets. It wasn’t until I had the same reaction to Lauren’s birth and a different doctor, that we realized the epidural medicine was the cause.

As a kiddo, David was my Energizer Bunny, and I’m always so thankful that he was my first born because I had the energy back then to keep up with him. Both Grandmas often handed him back with a sigh after babysitting him, they were exhausted just chasing him around. I can remember many battles of stuffing him in his car seat and hoping that he’d stay in one place but only to turn around and find him dancing in the back of the van. I can’t even begin to count the many times that I lost him in the mall while shopping with Sue. Alex would be sitting contentedly in his stroller and we’d have to take off yet again to hunt for David.

In the photo above, we had just returned home from the hospital after getting six stitches. David was riding around on Joe’s back and fell off. He landed kaput into the corner of a Lego model that he had just put together.

When Lauren came along, David was the ultimate big brother. He did everything with his sister in tow. I think one of the reasons he likes to cook today is because we spent so much time making cookies and brownies just to keep him in one place for a few minutes. The most memorable moment was the time that he and Lauren ran their crayons all over the kitchen wall and the day that he threw a brand new book into the bathtub.

By the time Steven came along, David was the helpful older brother and the Energizer battery started to wind down a little bit. I say just a “little bit,” because he would still do stuff that would make my hair stand on end, like the time that he put the slide on top of the picnic table so that he could “get a better ride into the pool.”

So Happy Birthday to my seventeen-year-old– I cannot believe that you are just one year away from being an adult and soon to fly off to college. It’s been seventeen amazing years and I’m looking forward to watching you grow even more.

Bookmark me!

More »

Tags: Raising Deaf/HH Kids by DeafMom
6 Comments »

Deaf Child from Russia Needs a Loving Home

There’s a little boy in Russia who is deaf and needs a loving home. Read this email that I received from Elizabeth Gastelum, an attorney from Illinois:

My husband and I adopted our kids from Russia last fall (both with hearing loss). We thought they were the only kids there with a hearing loss, but once we arrived we realized that another little boy in the same group as our daughter also has a hearing loss. He is 5 years old and Buryat (Russian, but of Mongolian descent). He is a sweetheart! Aside from hearing loss he has a form of CP (although this did not seem to be severe as he can dress and feed himself, and walk etc.) To make a long story short, I am trying to get the word out about this little boy to anyone that is thinking of adoption.

He is in Ulan-Ude, Russia. The adoption agency is LSS of Wisconsin and Upper Michigan. This adoption agency has the ability to handle Russian adoptions without going through another adoption agency with the required Russian permission.

I realize that the recent media reports have seemed to indicate that Russia is or will be closing their adoptions with the United States, but reports that I have from professionals there and working with this program indicate that this will not be the case. He is five years old now and I believe he will be six years old in October. I am not for certain, but if it is the same scenario as it was with our two kids, there is a long waiting list for the school for the deaf there and more than likely he will be sent to a facility when he is six years old (unless there is a family in the process of adoption) that is for multiple handicaps (children and adults) and the majority are bedridden. He does not belong there. But this is a part of the world where there are few other options. I am willing to speak with any family interested, candidly, on what it has been like for us to have adopted two children from the same orphanage.

If you are willing to open your heart and your home to this child, please email me at: karen@karenputz.com and I will connect you with Elizabeth.

Bookmark me!

More »

Tags: Raising Deaf/HH Kids by DeafMom
17 Comments »

Come and Join Me at Mom’s Night Inn

It’s that time of the year again, the weekend where moms of deaf and hard of hearing kids kick back together! Registration is already half full, so act quickly to join in on this special weekend!

Illinois Hands & Voices presents:

Mom’s Night Inn

Saturday, February 20^th and Sunday, February 21^st(an overnight retreat!)

Holiday Inn Select Naperville
1801 Naper Boulevard
Naperville, Il 60563
(630) 505-4900

Event begins at 1 p.m. on Saturday, February 20^thand ends at Noon, Sunday, February 21^st

“Making Connections”

Educational
Technology
Family
Community

Dinner provided: Snacks, crafts, massage and so much more!
Sunday, February 21^st; Will include a breakfast buffet and panel of deaf and hard of hearing adults sharing their life and work experience.

Remarks from last year’s participants at Mom’s Night Inn:

“It was great having time to relax and getting to know the Mom’s”

“I liked the small group activity; it was a good way to meet new people.”

“Meeting other parents, having an idea of what to expect and look forward to was my favorite part.”

“Now I know what to fight for.”

“Loved meeting the deaf and hard of hearing panel, their stories were inspiring.”

We hope you can join us, space is limited so register soon!

To register: www.ilhandsandvoices.org

Photos from past Mom’s Night Inn:

Bookmark me!

More »

Tags: Raising Deaf/HH Kids by DeafMom
4 Comments »

The American Sign Language Journey

I’m sitting in a restaurant in Northbrook as I type this. I have just dropped off my daughter at the International Center for Deafness and the Arts (ICODA) and I’m passing the time as she practices for the upcoming Peter Pan play. Three, sometimes, four times a week, we make the one hour trek from our home to the tiny theatre where she joins a group of deaf and hard of hearing kids of all ages. Each and every time, she’s so excited to go and hang with her friends.

“Hey Mom, look at this neat ASL phrase I learned today!” she signs.

She’s picking up the lingo, learning the slang and gaining more and more confidence each day as she converses with the kids. This is from the kid who spoke entire sentences at the age of fourteen months and wanted nothing to do with ASL when her hearing suddenly went south at the age of four. She’s the hard of hearing kid who spends time yakking on the phone with her best friend from Texas, the one who is quick to raise her hand at school and jump into a hot debate– the child that I thought would never embrace sign.

And here she is, surrounded by a group of kids who are signing faster than the speed of light and she’s not shying away– she’s right in there asking them to repeat. Sign it again, she signs, when the rapid-fire signing “goes over her head.”

With a start, I realize she’s applying the same advocating technique that we’ve taught her over and over throughout the years– when communication doesn’t happen, change it so that it does. Ask for a repeat, ask for a re-phrase, ask for it in a way that gets the message understood. She’s soaking up the ASL and incorporating it– and loving it.

There was a time she hated it.

“Mom, don’t sign. I don’t need it. I can hear you just fine.”

It has been fun watching the metamorphasis over the years, how the diverse communication modes have weaved in and out of her life and how she’s grown and changed. I love how she’s been able to find her niche with a variety of friends– hearing, hard of hearing, deaf/Deaf.

I’m often reminded of something that I first heard from Janet DesGeorges and Leeanne Seaver about the parenting journey when it comes to making choices for our kids:

Nothing is set in stone.

Sometimes when we set out on a certain path, we think we’re heading down that path for a long time. And sometimes our kids lead us down a different path or change the direction in our sails.

Sometimes the time is just right for a new direction and as parents, we just have to give our kids the opportunity to explore all the different paths.

Bookmark me!